Thoughts

I always wanted to…

Now, this is a tricky situation. To write about what I always wanted to become, I should first make myself fill with serenity. For I had not one, but many dreams (and hence, I would hyperventilate while speaking about them). My childhood dreams ranged from being a playback singer/actor/writer to doctor/software engineer. Yes, I was weird. I could never stabilize my thoughts.

1.Superstar

There were times when I would jump up in ecstasy and start singing my heart out, imagining myself to be a playback singer. And then there were times where I would enact the entire climax of the Tamil movie Chandramukhi (or Bhool Bhulaiya for the uninitiated). Well, playback singing would’ve been accepted as a respectable dream by my near and dear ones. But, acting! No. A definite no. Though I participated in school plays, mimicked the expressions & behavior of my neighborhood aunties, imagined myself singing around the trees and enacted various scenes from movies, I would have never been allowed to take up acting as mainstream. No, wait, that wasn’t the case. I brought myself to accept the fact that acting isn’t a respectable dream and I would bring in bad name and lose my reputation. By the way, to become an actress, I should turn glamorous and act out romantic scenes, right? Hell, no! I would never do that. I can never even imagine myself wearing revealing clothes or getting close to guys. That’s because I am from a middle class society which has turned me into the modest woman I am. I am happy with who I am. Hence, *acting dream buried*.

And, I would chide myself, look at all the actresses. They have milky-white skin. The industry requires women who can be easily spotted in a crowd or who would love makeup to the core. You’re just a plain Jane. Dusky girls get only supporting roles or act in feature films. How could I even think about getting into that industry? Well, I am happy that I never tried follow this dream of mine. With one new actress coming up every day, this industry doesn’t fascinate me anymore. Though I was prodded on to take up video jockeying or act in advertisements, I never paid any heed to that. (I have revealed the biggest hidden talent of mine through this blog post. Sigh!).

2.Nightingale

As mentioned above, playback singing was another dream of mine. For your information, I am still a singer. A professional one, though (don’t confuse it with playback). I sing in orchestras and other events which has musical programmes. I also record rough cover versions of film songs and upload them in YouTube. You can listen to my latest offering here: Maalai Neram Ft. Kavya Janani. But, I still wait for that big break. A break that would never come. 😦 Maybe, it might come. Maybe not. This uncertainty will never end.

I have been learning Carnatic music from the age of five. I had a pretty good progress in it till my 10th grade. Well, the rest is self-explanatory. Board exams, tuition, assignments, special classes and blah, blah, blah. This continued for two more years, till I successfully completed my 12th grade. And then, I joined in the light music orchestra and sadly lost touch with classical music. Oh! How I wish I’d start attending Carnatic music class again! However, the greatest dream of mine was to enter the film industry as a playback singer. I participated in N number of competitions and reality shows, but I could never make it to the grand podium. I had the chance to showcase my singing prowess in front a few music directors. But the shower of luck never fell upon me. Maybe, I should have practiced a little more. Maybe, I should have made myself familiar with the idiosyncrasies of reality shows. This uncertainty will never end.

Here is a fictional story reflecting my singing journey: Fortune Cookie. I have imagined myself achieving that ultimate dream. 🙂

3.Beethovanist

Oh, gosh! A word called ‘Beethovanist’ doesn’t exist. 😀 Never mind. I made it up. Well, I am gonna reveal another dimension of mine which many would not know (except some of my schoolmates). I was – I am – a keyboard player. Now, why did I confuse myself? Yes, I was a keyboard player. Am I now? The large Yamaha PSR 295 has almost become dormant at a corner of my room. The reason: Seriously, I don’t have time to play the keyboard. My other priorities and talents have overshadowed it. And, sometimes, I feel bad for that. Because, my keyboard was my only solace during a few difficult moments in my childhood. I would start playing it and never return to reality, until I realize that it has been almost 5 hours.

Okay, let me admit it. I wanted to become a music composer for films. I deeply craved to become like A.R.Rahman (now, now, don’t swear at me, please :-D). I still have the four tunes recorded in my keyboard, which I had composed way back in 2007, 2008 and 2009. I wished to make a name for myself in the male-dominated composing industry. And, as usual, I never knew how to take the first step towards achieving it. Before I could, I was joined in the rat race called Engineering. That was the diminishing point for this talent of mine!

No more words to say.

4.Mother of Literature (Oh! That’s the meaning of my name ‘Kavya Janani’)

I always wanted to become THIS (author). And, I am. The only dream that I got to achieve. No, wait! I didn’t yet achieve it completely. My baby ‘With Love, Forever’ is yet to be published. Then, why the hell did I say that I achieved it? Maybe, I gave myself the author tag after self-publishing my ebook Tale Journey: A Collection of 21 Short Stories and publishing a few stories in yourstoryclub.com.

This is the only dream where I am confident. Determined. At first, I thought that getting published at the age of 21 or 22 would give me all the happiness that I wanted. But, now, I am convinced that I have an entire life ahead of me. I would surely wait, try, try and retry until my debut novel gets published in the traditional manner. I would keep penning stories. Some may see the light of the day. Some may be confined to my heart forever. But, I would never stop writing. It’s the only thing that keeps me running. WRITING – The catalyst of my life. 🙂


P.S: I even wanted to become a radio jockey. But then I realized that the only form of expression I know is writing. I can’t keep talking (humorously) throughout a 4 hour show. 😛


P.P.S: I remember I mentioned something like doctor and software engineer at the beginning of this post. Never mind. They were and are NEVER my dreams. As simple as that. They were the societal pressures I was supposed to adhere to. But they didn’t last long (especially the latter). *Silent chuckle*


Love,

Kavya Janani.U


This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

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